I want to start by saying that losing a baby at any stage is losing a child. I had six kids my youngest are twins and I was pregnant again 13 weeks along. It was March 1992. I went to see my doctor for a routine check-up. We had already heard the heart beat once and were excited we were going to hear it again. But, the doctor could not find the heart beat. She said don't panic we will send you down for an ultrasound. It is probably the way the baby is laying that we can't hear it. So my husband and I went down to ultrasound. The woman came in and scanned and scanned and then she went out and a doctor and her came in and scanned. Then he told us that there was no heartbeat. They left Jon and I alone and we both cried. I went back up to the doctors office she said they would need to do a D&C and I said I wanted to wait a couple of days, I wanted a chance to be with my baby a little longer and say good bye. I talked to him and told him good bye and that I loved him. I prayed and knew Jesus had our little angel already in His arms.
Two days later they took him. Afterwards I felt such an awful emptiness. My heart was so sad and I could not stop crying. The next day was worse my body felt like I had just had a baby but there was no baby to hold. Oh my heart and my arms ached to hold my baby. It was really hard because I already had six kids and people thought I should not be upset. Of course I love and am very thankful for my six beautiful kids but this did not take away the pain of losing this baby who was also one of my kids. I loved that baby and had planned for it and imagined holding him and smelling him and he was gone. I kept everything from the hospital and my ultrasound pictures and wrote him letters and keep them all in a box, it is all I have that I can touch and see of my baby. They did test and found no reason for this happening.
A few months later I was pregnant again and in Dec. the same year we lost that baby also. The same way, went to the doctor again I was 13 weeks and no heart beat. Jon and I knew then it was going to be bad. Down to ultrasound we went and no heart beat. We again went through the horrible loss and sadness. Dec. 23rd they did a D&C. Again we never found out why. The pathology reports did not show us anything. We decided not to try anymore and today have our six healthy kids and memories of our angels we never met. We do know that one day we will be with our babies and until then they rest with Jesus on the beautiful clouds. I think they know us and I know we know them, they live in our hearts always.
