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HEALTHY SEXUALITY

Week 1 - Why Sexuality
Week 2 - When Sex Gets Sick
Week 3 - Restoration Is Possible
Week 4 - The Gift Of Sex

Why Sexuality?

Message Study Notes
June 21 & 22, 2003
By Barry Braun

A little boy ran into the living room where his dad was reading. “Dad, where did I come from?” The boy’s mother cleared her throat and excused herself to let the father answer this long-feared question. The father cleared his throat and went through a long careful explanation of how children are born. When he was finally through Junior commented, “That’s ok Dad; but my pal Joe down the street said he comes from Omaha and I just wanted to know where I came from.” This is quite a subject. There is uncertainty, fear, confusion and quite a bit of hurt. Five months ago I knew that I was supposed to speak on this subject because as I was studying the Seventh Commandment, which says, “You shall not commit adultery,” I was overwhelmed by the amount of material that accumulated on my desk in just one week. Obviously I thought the topic needed more attention and more teaching . . . so here we are. Are you ready to face your fears? Ready to be honest with yourself and with God? Then let’s begin.

  1. The Worlds Direction — In my study of the Seventh Commandment I read this statistic: “Extramarital affairs are common place in our world with 65% of men and 55% of woman violating adultery.” At the same time, God says in Hebrews 13:4, “Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” There are tensions between the world’s direction and God’s design. A statement from the Book of Judges that seems to summarize how we live sexually in our world goes like this, “In those days Israel had no king, so people did what seemed right in their own eyes.” (Judges 21:25) The background of this statement is that Israel’s moral downfall had its roots in a fierce independence, intermarriage, and idol worship that led to a disintegrating faith in the Living God. Solomon wrote, “There is a way that seems right to a man but in the end it leads to death.” (Proverbs 14:12) There is little restraint in our world. We are led by our emotions and feelings. We take shortcuts and avoid sacrifice. The enlightened American thinks that Christian sexual morality is old-fashioned and out of date. Everyone is doing what is sexually right in his own eyes. We pride ourselves in a sexually free society. So how’s it working? Psychology Today Magazine reports, “We have been liberated from the taboos of the past only to find ourselves imprisoned in a freedom that brings us no closer to our real nature or our needs.” The truth is, when we turn our backs on the Architect and Builder of our human sexuality we will find ourselves in an immense city of selfishness and seduction without a map to lead us home.
  2. God’s Design — The Lord does not leave us groping in the dark about our sexuality. From the very first chapters of Genesis we read about God’s creational design. “He said. ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make him a helper suitable for him.’” (Genesis 2:18) “The Lord God made a woman from the rib that he had taken out of the man and he brought her to the man.” (verse 22) “The man and his wife were both naked and they felt no shame.” (verse 25) What an amazing record of God’s creative work. Do you see that God was not satisfied until the woman was created? Do you see that God elevated the union of the man and the woman above all that he had created? Do you sense God’s pleasure in his design? “God saw all that he had made and it was very good.” (Genesis 1:31) God created man and woman sexually on purpose. Why did he do it? * To promote unity. From the very beginning he had a relational purpose in mind. He said it was not good to be alone. He describes the relationship as a companionship. The goal of the relationship was oneness. God purposed a relational closeness between a husband and wife that would be shared in a very exclusive way. The physical act of sex was to enhance the closeness and commitment so necessary in marriage. * To provide enjoyment. Genesis 2:22 said “He brought her to the man.” The way this is written shows that the relationship would be a gift. It was planned by God. He made it possible. He shared it with them . . . sex was approved by God. From the very beginning God wanted a selfless freedom to be shared between a man and a woman in marriage. We sense this kind of pleasure when Adam says, “This is it . . . she is now bone of my bones.” (verse 23) They were both naked and felt no shame . . . no hindrances . . . no fears. But by Chapter 3 of Genesis, we have Adam and Eve covering themselves, sewing fig leaves, and hiding from God. Obviously sin would affect the sexual relationship. Throughout this message I point you to the spiritual dimension of sexuality. God’s renewing work through his Son, Jesus Christ will make an immeasurable difference in how you see yourself and how you view your mate. Spiritual vitality and sexual fulfillment go hand-in-hand. * To produce children. The Lord said in Genesis 1:28, “Be fruitful and increase in numbers; fill the earth . . . “ This is the very first command that God ever gave to human beings. It is the only command humans have been able to keep. With 6 billion people on the planet, I guess you could say we have done a pretty good job. But there is more to say about this simple and significant statement. How about the husband and wife who want children but aren’t able? How about the husband and wife that are afraid to have children? How about the couple that can’t produce children because they are both men, or both woman? Each of these scenarios has one thing in common. They reflect fallen humanity. I know couples in each of these situations and there are stories of restoration and hope. I know couples that have deepened their commitment to Christ and serve him wholeheartedly even though they are unable to have children. I know couples that previously, out of fear and uncertainty avoided having children, and through a courageous faith are enjoying these days of parenting and family life. Hundreds of men and women have overcome homosexuality and are able to lead celibate lives. There is hope.
  3. Man’s/Woman’s Decision — We know the world’s strong pull and I have presented God’s design. As free moral human beings, you and I have a choice. In fact we have many choices. The wise man Solomon presented in Proverbs 5 such a choice. In verse 8 he said, “Keep a path far from her (adulteress/sexual sin),” and later he said, “Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.” (verse 18) Which path will you take for your life? Verse 21 tells us, “A man’s ways are in full view of the Lord and he examines all of his paths.” Your sexual choices are in full view of God. He knows everything. His plan is best and the Bible directs you to choose his ways. There is nothing simple, easy or precise about this topic and these choices. Let’s begin today. Let’s agree with each other that God’s design is best and we will turn to him for forgiveness, direction and blessing. I pray that this series will help us step toward the marvelous significance of our own sexuality and the powerful possibilities of intimacy in marriage.

References: Proverbs 5:8,18,21, 14:12; Genesis 1:28,31, 2:18-25; I Corinthians 7:3-5, 6:16; Judges 21:25, Hebrews 13:4

Questions:

  1. What helpful or hurtful messages about sex did you receive growing up? How has the world’s direction confused your thinking and actions?
  2. Which aspect of God’s design makes the most sense? Which is the most confusing to you? Why?
  3. We are faced with decisions every day. What do you need to make good decisions that will cause you to honor God with your body?
  4. Reread Genesis 2:18-25. What does that teach you? How would you apply God’s creative introduction of sexuality to your life?

Reading Schedule For The Week of June 22 through 28

This is a very important subject for us to study. Left to our own inclinations and passions we are easily misdirected. When it comes to sexuality, the flesh wins over the Spirit all too often. The Word of God addresses this very important subject. It does not leave us without direction and answers to our questions. I hope you will prayerfully read these Scriptures so that you can understand why God created sex and how it is to enhance our lives. Let’s not let the devil or this fallen world dictate our sexual perspectives. Let’s join together and embrace the truth of God from his Word so that we might be complete, mature and protected.

Reading #1 Read Genesis 2:18-25
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. This Scripture has been read at weddings, used at marriage seminars and given as the primary text for a theology of sex. Genesis is the book of beginnings and in it we read about God’s creational design that promotes sexuality. In Genesis we read about marriage, romance, singleness, divorce, adultery, rape and numerous other manifestations of human sexuality. In these verses from Chapter 2 we see God’s approval about the first sexual relationship between a man and a woman. The first charge given the man and the woman are found in Genesis 1:28, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it.”

  1. How does this introduce human sexuality? What was unique about the man and the woman? What does “one flesh” mean?
  2. How do you understand the statement, “it is not good for man to be alone?” How would the connection between a man and a woman create companionship? How does this passage speak to your relationship with your mate?

Reading #2 Read Song of Songs 1:15-2:3
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. In preparation for this series, I read this book. Obviously the theme of sexuality is very well presented. Sex is God’s gift to his creatures. He endorses sex but restricts its expression to those committed to each other in marriage. God wants sex to be motivated by love and commitment, not just lust. It was for mutual pleasure, not selfish enjoyment.

  1. How does this couple convert their sexual passion to loving connection? What do you make of their exchange of compliments? What makes such dialogue possible?
  2. How important is one’s self-image in expressing love? How does a healthy self-image contribute to love and how does love contribute to our self-image? How would these kind of statements help bless your mate?

Reading #3 Read Matthew 5:27-30
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. This coming weekend I will address the perversion of sexuality in our world. Our culture is preoccupied with sex. Sex sells. Jesus warns us about envisioning sexual connection with someone else outside of marriage. Jesus emphasized that if the act is wrong, then so is the intention. To be faithful to your spouse with your body but not your mind is to break the trust so vital to a strong marriage. When Jesus said get rid of your hand or your eye, he was speaking figuratively. He didn’t literally mean to gouge out your eye because even a blind person can lust. He was challenging us not to tolerate sins in our lives that will eventually destroy us. It is better experience the pain of removal (getting rid of a bad habit or something we treasure, for instance) than to allow the sin to bring judgment and condemnation. Jesus was serious about sexual sin. This weekend we will address the subject, why sexual sins are worse than others.

  1. What evidence have you seen that sexual standards have declined over the last ten years? How does adultery start? What are some of the danger signs that a marriage is in trouble?
  2. How does pornography feed the problem of adultery? What changes do you need to make in your reading or viewing habits to avoid temptations to lust? Why was Jesus so serious about sexual sin?

Reading #4 Read Proverbs 5:1-14
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. Solomon writes some very helpful words about the lure of adultery and the pathway of destruction produced by sexual sin. Solomon was well aware of the downfall of misguided sexual desires. He writes from experience. In the Book of Proverbs we read about many warnings against illicit sex. Sexual immorality is still extremely dangerous. It destroys family life; it erodes a person’s ability to love; it degrades human beings and turns them into objects; it can lead to disease; it can result in unwanted children. Sexual immorality is against the law of God. We are called to be wise in our sexuality.

  1. What is the main point of these verses? Why is adultery appealing? What consequences does this permissive lifestyle reap?
  2. What sexual advise did you once reject but later discover was sound? What does the wise man do according to Solomon in these verses? How does that apply to your life?

Reading #5 Read Proverbs 5:15-23
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. “Drink from your own cistern,” is a picture of faithfulness in marriage. It means to enjoy the spouse God has given you. In desert lands water is precious and a well is a family’s most important possession. It was considered a crime to steal water from someone else’s well during Old Testament times. In that way it is a crime to pursue another man’s wife. God designed marriage and sanctified and only through honoring this covenant relationship can you find real love and fulfillment.

  1. What are the benefits of those who “drink from their own cistern?” What are the sexual messages presented for marriage and what are the warnings outside of marriage?
  2. What difference does it make that your life is in full view of the Lord? (verse 21) How would you live differently in you marriage and your sexual life knowing that God is completely aware of everything you do?

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When Sex Gets Sick

Message Study Notes
June 28 & 29, 2003
By Barry Braun


We are in an important series on sexuality. Last week we talked about why God created sex. There was a hopeful sense in God’s design as we emphasized the potential and pleasure of living healthy sexually. But it’s not always that way. This is a very complex subject in a very confusing world. So how do we live right in a sexually saturated world whose basic direction is contrary to God? Well, our world is not so much different than the first century when the Apostle Paul wrote to the Corinthians. As we study I Corinthians 6:12-20, we will gain incredible insights that will help us deal with the sexual promiscuity that tempts us.

  1. Big Deal — Sexuality is a big deal. It is a core issue. There are two sentences pertinent to this point. “I am allowed to do anything.” (verse 12) In other words, everything is permissible for me. I can do anything I want. The next sentence that the Apostle Paul quoted is, “Food is for the stomach and the stomach is for food.” (verse 13) Both of these statements were the perspective of the people of that day. If you have an appetite for food, then eat it. Just respond to your appetite. If you have a sexual appetite, then feed it. A young man represents this philosophy rather bluntly, “My sexual needs are just like all my other needs. If I get hungry I drop by McDonald’s for a Quarter-Pounder with cheese, and if I feel the need for sex, I get a date with a girl who is willing. Now what’s wrong with that?” In a real way, that’s what is being said in this chapter. Sexual expression was no big deal. However, throughout these verses the Apostle Paul is trying to tell us that there is a big difference between what you eat and what you do sexually. He tells us that our bodies represent our personalities. There is a sense of wholeness and destiny. Our bodies are united with Christ spiritually as Christians, and we are connected emotionally to our bodies as well. The three dimensions of our personhood are all tied together: spirit, soul and body. What you eat can affect your body, but what you do sexually can affect all parts of your life. It bleeds into all three in a beautiful way, or in a bogus way. The emphasis of I Corinthians 6 is how sexual sin always hurts someone (bogus). It hurts God because it shows that we prefer following our own bodies instead of the leading of the Holy Spirit; it hurts others because it violates the commitment so necessary to a relationship; it often brings disease to our bodies, and it deeply affects our personalities, which respond in anguish when we harm ourselves physically and spiritually. Jack Hayford, a pastor from California, presented the spiritual truth that sexual sin is worse than others. He said things like sexual sin exploits us emotionally, it stains us spiritually, it produces shame that diminishes our identity, it compromises our relationships, it becomes a beachhead for other compulsive appetites, it breaches trust with other believers, it cripples our ministry and discredits our testimony. It’s a big deal.
  2. Bondage — The power of our sexuality, when misdirected, can lead us to slavery. “If I went around doing whatever I thought I could get by with, I would be a slave to my whims (passions). (verse 12 MSG) The truth is that sexual bondage and addiction is quite prevalent. When the Bible directs us to flee fornication it is because fornication is a very broad word referring to many ways that sexual sin can creep into our lives. Fornication can refer to lust, fantasy, adultery, homosexuality, pornography, the internet, novels, co-workers, emotional affairs, etc. The inroads to fornication are many, beginning when we dwell on sexually stimulating thoughts, leading to actions. Ted Roberts, in his book Pure Desire, outlines what he calls “The Noose of Sexual Addiction.” It begins with a destructive mindset that believes that their life is worthless or they must escape through a sexual high. The most vulnerable people are those that come from difficult family backgrounds and persons who have gone through personal trauma like sexual abuse or exposure to sexually explicit material at a young age. Sexual addiction is so shameful that we live in denial and blame others. All this promotes an addictive cycle that is full of fantasy, acting out, secrecy, and deeper shame and guilt. The Apostle Paul knew that the Spirit of the Lord was the only one who could liberate people from sexual bondage.
  3. Belonging to Him — With this last point, I’m directing us to hope and openness to God’s healing . . . no more condemnation. If you have been sexually sick, you have felt enough shame. “Don’t you know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price.” (verse 19,20) The significance of Christ’s death for your sins is presented along with the reminder that you have surrendered your life and he is now the owner. It is completely inconsistent with your identity to unite your mind, or your body, with sexual idolatry, which is fornication. The Lord is meant to be with you moment by moment, intimately involved with every sexual thought and action. The Spirit of God is the answer for your sexual need. Maybe you could pray something like this: “Lord, I know there are times when I wish my mate acted sexier. There are even times when I think about being in the arms of another person. There are times when I imagine sexual activity and have been tempted to sin. But right here and now, I trust you to fill my life with what I need. I am willing to rest and wait in your faithfulness. I know you’ll meet my needs, as you always have.” I encourage you to turn your life and your own sexuality over to God. Let your body be a holy dwelling for the Lord and you can begin again.

References: I Corinthians 6:12-20; I Thessalonians 4:3-5

Questions:

  1. Why is sexuality so important to our spiritual health? Why do we live in such extremes, from what you do sexually doesn’t matter to denying the sexual passion of our life?
  2. How do you understand sexual bondage/addiction? How would you explain it to someone? How could you become vulnerable to sexual bondage?
  3. What does it mean that you’re the temple of the Holy Spirit? What comes to your mind? How would it help you to remember that the Lord is intimately involved with every sexual thought and action?
  4. What do you think it means to honor God with your body?

Reading Schedule For The Week of June 30 through July 5

I read these words in a magazine this past week: Sexual involvement in the workplace or in a friendship is more common than we realize and those situations do have some common steps (or slips). The first and most dangerous is the idea that sex is no big deal. That is a denial of reality. Unless you have been dead at least three days, sex is a big deal, no matter who you are. No one is invulnerable. After all, God designed us with a natural, built-in sexual attraction. Sexuality is a very big deal. Just ask Adam. Adam knew from the very beginning when he saw Eve that, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.” Adam was excited. His words were not just poetic response, he was all eyes and immediately attracted to her. Sex is a big deal. Samson liked what he saw and said to his horrified parents, “She’s the right one for me.” (Judges 14:3) He saw, he wanted . . . Sexual attraction is a big deal, ask David. All he did initially is look at Bathsheba. The looking turned to attraction (lust) and actions, including adultery, murder and living a lie. Sexual attraction is a big deal. To think otherwise is denial. Denial is dangerous. In our readings you will see this clearly. Let’s begin with David’s life.

Reading #1 Read II Samuel 11:1 - 12:23
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. This is a very long reading about David’s personal life. He committed adultery with Bathsheba and then orders her husband killed in an attempted cover-up. David deeply regretted what he had done and sought God’s forgiveness. But the child of this sinful act died. We may be forgiven by God for our sins but we will often experience harsh consequences.

  1. What do you learn about David’s life at it’s lowest point? What message is God portraying through this event? Why do you think this happened to David?
  2. What does this teach you about the power of lust? How does this make you more sober about sexual sin? How does this event give you hope as well?

Reading #2 Read Psalm 51
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. When the Prophet Nathan came to David, after he had committed adultery, David turned to the Lord for mercy. These words reveal David’s sorrow for his adultery with Bathsheba, and for his murdering her husband. He knew that his actions had hurt many people, but because David sincerely repented of those sins God mercifully forgave him. No sin is too great to be forgiven. In verse 17 we see how God accepts a broken spirit and a contrite heart. To be genuinely sorry for your sin is to be completely humble before God. Are you sorry for your sin? Do you genuinely intend to stop?

  1. What do you learn from David’s confession? What had he lost that needed to be restored? Why is humility so important?
  2. Has sin ever driven a wedge between you and God? How are you restored? What is the right heart-attitude toward God concerning sexual sins?

Reading #3 Read I Thessalonians 4:3-8
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. Sexual standards were very low in the Roman Empire. Temptation to be sexually involved outside of one’s marriage has always been very powerful. Consequently, many people in the first century were living with the guilt and shame of sexual failure. Sexual desires and activities must be placed under Christ’s control. To be sanctified is to be set aside for God’s purposes so that each of us would honor God with our bodies.

  1. How is sex viewed by many of the people you know or work with? How is the Christian sexual conduct to be different from that of the non-Christian?
  2. How would you respond to someone that says it is possible to be a good Christian while also being sexually immoral? What can you do to maintain your purity?

Reading #4 Read I Corinthians 7:1-7
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. One of the key statements in this series on healthy sexuality is presented right before these verses about the Apostle Paul’s instructions for Christian marriage. The words are “honor God with your body.” (I Corinthians 6:20) Christians in Corinth were surrounded by sexual temptations. This kind of society in the first century is similar to how it is today. Marriage provides God’s way to satisfy these God-given sexual desires and to strengthen the husband and wife against sexual temptation. Marriage is a call from God to serve another person in all ways, which includes sexual expression.

  1. Why is it important for husbands and wives not to deprive each other’s sexual needs? How does this help you understand marriage better?
  2. If you are married, what advantage is that in your life? What are the greater responsibilities for the married person compared to the single adult? How could you be a better mate sexually?

Reading #5 Read Matthew 19:1-12
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. Jesus addresses the subject of marriage and divorce. His words tell us how important marriage is in God’s sight. In Deuteronomy 24:1-4 Moses did give permission for divorce. But this was far from God’s intention. Marriage was meant to be permanent, but because of the hardness of our hearts (sin), we have drifted from God’s purposes. Jesus came to restore what God had intended for his people. Christian couples must decide against divorce from the very beginning and build their marriage on a mutual commitment that is purposed for a lifetime.

  1. Whose marriage do you most admire? Why? Which would be worse: to be unhappily married or never to be married?
  2. What attitudes/behaviors can you develop beginning today that will make you a better marriage partner? How can you reduce the chance of divorce in your marriage?

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Restoration is Possible

Message Study Notes
July 5 & 6, 2003
By Barry Braun


Did you know the statue of David turns 500 years old next year? In preparation for his birthday they are trying to clean him up. Michelangelo's world famous sculpture of David is getting a serious scrubbing these days courtesy of a group of restorers at the statue’s museum home in Florence, Italy. The masterpiece is laden with deposits of dirt and grime from the years that it had to stand outdoors for 369 years. David’s one and only bath occurred in 1873, when he was moved into his current museum home. Just like the statue, the real David needed a bath as well. His youthful beginnings of faith and courage as he slew Goliath were stained later by his sinful choices that dirtied his soul. David teaches us what to do when sexual sins have tarnished our lives. David’s response to God is found in Psalm 51.

  1. Restoration From Sin — The word sin is the most used word in this Psalm. You read other words like “transgression” and “iniquity” as well as “evil” and “crushed.” The repetition of these words not only identifies the subject, but shows the seriousness of it. David’s response is seen in verses 3 and 4, “ For I know my transgressions and my sin is always before me. Against you alone have I sinned.” There is no cover-up anymore. No effort to pass the buck or spin the truth. David is painfully aware that his moral “dirt removal” must begin with honest confession. He is crying out for mercy. David prays first for his transgressions to be blotted out the way a debt on a ledger is erased. Second, David prays for his iniquities to be washed out in the way that clothes are laundered. Third, he prays for his sin to be cleansed the way imperfections are smelted from precious metals. David’s confession is a cry for release from the presence and power of sin. That’s the beginning point of restoration. I’m reminded of the story of Jesus with the woman caught in adultery in John 8. Jesus said, “Alright, stone her. But let those who have never sinned throw the first stone.” (verse 7, NLT) As you probably know, the crowd walks away, one by one. Maybe one of the more surprising aspects of the story is that the woman stays. She could have slipped away with the rest of the people. She waits to hear Jesus’ verdict. She faces her sin. “Jesus says, ‘Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?’ She said, ‘No, Lord.’ And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I.’” (verse 11) But the strongest words of all are the last words spoken by Christ. “Go and leave your life of sin.” Forgiveness is not the last word, as important as it is. It is the beginning point. But there’s more . . .
  2. Restoration Mean to be Sanctified — The word sanctified means holy, to be changed and set apart for the purposes of God. That’s what David is praying in verse 10. “Create in me a pure heart, O God.” David doesn’t just care about forgiveness. He wants lasting change. The word “create” is a radical word. It means God bring your re-creation power and make me like you originally wanted me to be. Make me like it was in Genesis 2, even though I so often act like the behaviors of Genesis 3. David wants total newness so that he will not fall back into the cycle of sin. How many people do you know that ask God to forgive them time and time again, and yet repeat the same behaviors? The Bible clearly teaches that there is a repentance that brings life and a repentance that recycles death. The recycle type is a sorrow that one has for getting caught, or missing out some pleasure. One is motivated by personal shame, the other is directed by spiritual guilt. Shame produces a selfish or empty kind of sorrow. It is the kind of sorrow that does not produce change. If David would have been only satisfied with forgiveness, he would have most likely recycled his sinful behavior. But that did not happen. He not only wanted to be washed from his sins, he wanted to be refined as a person. He wanted to be changed . . . sanctified. David was a man after God’s own heart because he wanted God’s purposes most. This is what I think you will need. I want you to find a person(s) to confide in and be accountable to because we are restored and sanctified when we are accountable to others. We don’t want to just be cleansed, we want to be changed.
  3. Restoration For Single Adults — It is important for me in this talk to address singles. Many have asked me, “How do I handle my sexuality as an unmarried person?” It’s a very important question. I Corinthians 7:7 says, “I wish everyone could get along without marrying just as I do, but we are not all the same. God gives some the gift of marriage and to others he gives the gift of singleness.” That’s a very important statement in the Bible. Most people believe they have the gift of marriage whether they are married or not. It just so happens that 40% of adults are single. My response to single adults has been, “You need God’s grace because many of you have had singleness forced on you, either through divorce or disappointment or your own disposition. What I mean is you are single through a marriage break-up or a relational impasse with various people that you might have wanted to know and even marry, or the hurts of life had affected your confidence so much that you’re afraid to initiate.” There are many other reasons I’m sure, but each single adult needs grace for singleness. May God give you grace to accept this season of life. May you have grace to adopt God’s standard. Grace will enable you to develop healthy relationships that will be very satisfying to your soul. May God’s grace empower you to serve him and fulfill his purposes for you. I will say more about singleness next week.
  4. Restoration For Our Sexuality — “Surely you desire truth in the inner parts (heart); you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.” (verse 6) David is asking God to make him mature on the inside. David committed adultery out of foolishness. He wasn’t grounded in the truth and the wisdom of God. There is a direct correlation to the depth of understanding about yourself and how you act out sexually. Through a vibrant connection with God, one can understand his masculinity, or her femininity. The Lord wants us to be fully alive as male or female persons. This takes wisdom and maturity as we embrace the truth of God deep within. Let me suggest that a wise, mature, healthy man lives out his sexuality as he moves decisively and compassionately into his world and toward family and friends with a joyful confidence that he can promote good purposes as a man of God. And a wise, mature woman has a confidence and a warmth that invites others into a relationship with God and with herself, knowing that there is something in each relationship to be wonderfully enjoyed. The depth of our sexuality is a gift from God and meant to bring joy and gladness to life. When David prays, “Restore the joy of my salvation,” (verse 12) he is asking God to return a sense of connection and wholeness to life that comes from Him. You may have sinned sexually. The road to restoration is confession that desires deep changes within, leading to a life of wisdom and maturity as a man or a woman.

References: Psalm 51; I Corinthians 7:7, 32-34; Acts 13:22

Questions:

  1. What do you know about David’s sexual mistakes and regrets? What do you learn from his live in this Psalm about sexual restoration?
  2. What is the message the world gives to single adults? What are the advantages of being single? How can a single make the most of this season?
  3. How important is it to have people that assist you in accountability? Who do you have that speaks into your life the truth of God ?
  4. The Bible says that David was a man after God’s own heart. How would you say that’s true for him? What does that mean to you?

Reading Schedule For The Week of July 7 through 13

We are studying sexuality because it is such a significant subject in our day. We are sexually stimulated everywhere we turn. Sexual experimentation is accepted as the norm. Sexual manipulation is used to advertise almost every product and used to promote almost every movie or television program. But I am convinced that for us to be healthy sexually, we must embrace a personal commitment to sexual integrity. Our bodies and souls are connected and our sexual experiences must be integrated. When sex is looked at as only physical, when we experience sexual connection without intimacy and give ourselves away to the lure of the world, we lose out. As we come to the close of this series, I hope these readings will help you be forgiven, start over and find sexual fulfillment and integrity. I believe that at the core of our sexual longings we have deep spiritual desires. In sex we express our desire to be close to someone. The sexual drive will find its right expression in our lives as we settle the deeper question of spiritual closeness and union with God. Achieving true sexual integrity and fulfillment begins at the core of who we are. It begins with a commitment to God at the center of our lives.

Reading #1 Read John 4:1-26, 39
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. The Samaritan woman in this story had a very unfulfilling sexual life. So much so that she was now living with someone that wasn’t her husband after being married five times. She had been trying to drink from the wrong well. Jesus offers her living water. This story represents the invitation to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. He knows everything about us and is completely loving. He invites us to tell him the upsides and downsides of our personal lives. He offers living water that can flow out in genuine and wholesome ways sexually. Jesus points us to the well that never runs dry; to the water that is the most refreshing; to a life that leads to eternity.

  1. What are the characteristics of the water Jesus offers? What do you think most influenced the woman to become a follower of Jesus?
  2. Take a moment to think about what Jesus might say to you if you met him in person during a time of need or loneliness in your life. What would he offer you? How would you respond?

Reading #2 Read Luke 7:36-40
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. There are two very strong events in the life of Jesus that portray forgiveness given for sexual mistakes made. This event or the one recorded in John 8 show Jesus’ willingness to forgive. Jesus is loving and accepting and forgiving towards people that have really messed up. When a person is messed up and comes to God through confession, there is the assurance of forgiveness. Those people have a special closeness to God because they know how much God has forgiven them. In this story Jesus shows us how to deal with mistakes and regrets.

  1. Describe the spiritual disposition of the Pharisees. Do you know anyone like that? How do you feel around this kind of person? How is Jesus’ response different?
  2. What do you think Jesus means when he tells the woman that her sins are forgiven and her faith has saved her? How might this story help you in responding to others who have failed? What do you need from God for your sexual past?

Reading #3 Read Genesis 39:1-23
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. There is hardly any more powerful example in the Bible of sexual integrity than of Joseph. When I spoke on the Seventh Commandment I had you read about Joseph and I encourage you to do so again. Joseph did all he could to avoid Potiphar’s wife. Eventually he had to turn and run. Sexual temptations are overpowering and can cause us to compromise our spiritual integrity. Think about Joseph: He had every reason in the world to give in to the temptation. He could have thought to himself, “I’m young; I’m single; I’m in a foreign country; I have sexual desires; It would be acceptable in society; She wants me; I have been abused; My mother died when I was young; My father was overindulgent to me; My brothers hated me and sold me into slavery.” But his response was, “I will not sin against God.” (verse 9)

  1. What do you learn from Joseph’s life? How might you lean on God with your sexual struggles?
  2. Admit to yourself if you struggle sexually. Tell another person. How is your sexual integrity?

Reading #4 Read Song of Songs 6:4-9; 7:1-8
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. These are the words of the husband. In the Bible he is called the lover. He makes advancements towards his bride. He affirms his wife and compliments her for her beauty. He shows great pleasure in her. Some of the phrases he uses to describe her do not seem as complimentary to us. The tower of Lebanon was a watchtower and it was prominent and thought of as very beautiful. (verse 4) The husband is skilled at using word-pictures to affirm his wife.

  1. How does the husband praise his bride’s beauty? What are the key ways that he elevates her and makes her feel special?
  2. How complimentary are you to your wife? How could you better use word-pictures to affirm your and desire for your wife?

Reading #5 Read Song of Songs 7:9-8:4
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. Here the wife is inviting her husband to share intimately together. As the marriage matures the couple is more free in their lovemaking. Here the bride initiates acts of love and expresses her true feelings of attraction and affection. She also uses words of adoration which are so important to men.

  1. What do you learn from the bride’s thoughts and words expressed in this chapter? How does she take the initiative? What reveals her sense of love and confidence as the man’s wife?
  2. What keeps you from freely giving yourself in loving intimacy? How could you enjoy the freedom that is portrayed in these verses?

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The Gift of Sex

Message Study Notes
July 12 & 13 2003
By Barry Braun


For three weeks we have looked at some of the obstacles to healthy sexuality. Our world presents sexuality in a distorted and lustful way, and this can be confusing. Oftentimes we don’t realize how powerful misdirected sexuality can be in our lives and we fall into bondage and addiction. We need healing and hope that comes through forgiveness and restoration as God sanctifies our sexuality. As we turn to God and he removes these obstacles we have the possibility of embracing a healthy sexuality. That’s the focus of this last message; how to enjoy your sexuality? 1 Corinthians 7:1-8 speaks about sexual expression in marriage. It also addresses singleness. The biblical presentation affirms sexuality in marriage and directs singles to manage their sexuality in a healthy way. Let’s look at sexuality for singles, married men and married women:

  1. Sexuality For Singles — Last week I talked about four ways to live healthy as a single adult and I’d like to share a couple more things. “If a man has a woman friend to whom he is loyal but never intended to marry, having decided to serve God as a “single,” and then changes his mind, deciding he should marry her, he should go ahead and marry. It’s no sin.” (I Corinthians 7:36 MSG) The first thing I notice is that healthy sexuality is lived out in relationship. Friendships between men and women who are unmarried is a very meaningful way to live, sharing love and support one to another. Single adults are called by God to serve the Lord as a person with the freedom to do so. However, in the context of ministry a man and a woman might be drawn to each other. This could be God’s plan. It is important to realize that sexual choices and a mature understanding of one’s self before marriage as a single will effect sexual meaning and freedom in marriage. In today’s world so many people ignore God’s directive to wait until they are married for sexual expression, one to another. So often people end up becoming bed-mates before they are actually soul-mates. When couples get together and they are dating, and then they start to go to bed together there is an appearance that sexuality cements the relationship. They start going to bed together saying, “we’re so close,” yet they haven't developed the necessary relational depth and communication skills for a long term relationship. While it appears that sex cements, the cement cracks under the first sign of stress. So many people enter into marriage with a false sense of closeness and do not have the emotional depth necessary to succeed. Sexual intimacy before marriage reveals a neediness in one or the other, or both persons. It’s like trying to do something to make the relationship more secure. But I have found that when pre-marriage couples wait sexually they develop a patience with each other and slow down the sexual pace that makes sex in marriage even better later down the road. *There is an important subject that I do not feel at liberty to discuss in this setting or on these notes. I have produced a handout entitled, “Healthy Sexuality Handout” on the subject, as well as made it available on our web page. This important subject is masturbation.
  2. Sexuality For Men — Now you might expect that I would speak on sexuality for married couples, but as the Bible presents marriage, it always speaks about men and women separately. God shows us how men need direction for their sexual relationship in marriage that is different from what a woman needs. The Bible often addresses the man’s role first. “Husbands live with your wives in an understanding way, as someone weaker, since she is a woman, and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.” (I Peter 3:7 NAS) This is a great verse and the key word is “understanding.” It is sometimes translated with these words, “try to understand, be considerate of who they are as a woman, or be thoughtful of their needs.” Sometimes we think that sex is a matter of doing what comes natural. If as a man you do what comes natural, you will probably be dead-wrong. What a man tends to do is what he likes to do; what feels good to him. But this is not what a woman needs. So the Bible tells us to carefully and considerately get to know your wife’s needs. You must shift your goals from conquering and achieving and pushing the right buttons and making it happen to a process that’s about delighting and connecting and enjoying each other. This is not our natural tendency. But the truth is, as a husband moves in the direction of his wife’s needs and nature, her heart opens up to him and her sexual attraction to him increases. In a tape that I listened entitled, “The Gift of Sex” by Cliff and Joyce Penner they said, “As the husband loves, adores, cherishes, affirms his wife — not just her body but her person — that is when she is able to open up sexually. Then she warms and opens to him, and they are able to connect passionately. She feels happy and loved in the connection, and he feels happy and loved in the sexual connection. It is a win-win.” The mature, healthy, sexual man develops an understanding of his wife, and in the end he is blessed as well.
  3. Sexuality For Women— Everything I read about this subject portrayed the complexity of a woman’s sexuality. The woman is integrated in so many ways. Oftentimes she has not been treated in the sensitive way that allows her to be secure and free as a sexual woman. However, with healing and through the grace of God a woman can bless a man by opening her heart to him. “Women . . . it (your beauty) should be that of your inner-self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” (I Peter 3:4 NIV) I believe the message in this verse tells a woman how to affect a man’s life for good. These verses are specifically giving instruction to a wife as she wants to influence her husband spiritually, but the general principle also applies that a woman who opens her heart to a man will bless him sexually. In other words, the woman is to let the man into her life and to receive . . . to take it in. For example, a woman is blessed by touch. If a woman can’t enjoy the touch and take it in, it will be very difficult for her to give herself sexually. The woman is encouraged to enjoy pleasure. It is ok. It isn’t sinful to enjoy pleasure in your marriage. That’s what God wants for you. Take it in and enjoy it. Then the two are able to pursue passion together in such a way that ultimate connection is made. Both are blessed. The Penners stated that the woman needs to tell the man what is best for her. This openness is usually a turn-on for a man. As a woman talks about her needs she helps him understand because oftentimes her needs will change and the man will be in the dark. All of this is to develop a relational connection for both the husband and wife that they may know each other more intimately. This is brought out in the Old Testament book, Song of Solomon. It is one of the greatest models for us of sexuality and sex in marriage. Time and time again the man adores his bride. She then invites him in. He responds and she reciprocates with a responsiveness of love and confidence. That’s the formula: his adoration and her invitation. There are many obstacles in our own lives and in the world we live to have this kind of free, sanctified sexual expression in marriage, but may you be encouraged that in God’s original design he intended for the beauty and blessing of sex to unite marriages.

References: Song of Solomon 1:15, 4:16, 5:1, 6:3; I Peter 3:4 & 7; Ephesians 5:29; I Corinthians 7:1-8, 36

Questions:

  1. What are some of the obstacles that block sexual freedom in marriage? We are becoming more and more a sexless society in marriage. Why?
  2. How does God intend a single to live out his or her sexuality? How might you affirm single adults as they desire to sanctify their sexuality?
  3. How can a man understand and consider his wife? How will a man best learn to be the kind of husband that blesses his wife sexually?
  4. Why is it often difficult for a woman to be sexually free with her husband? What are some of the ways that hope and healing will help women? How will these biblical ideas help you in your sexual relationship as husband and wife?

Reading Schedule For The Week of July 14 through 20

Even though I conclude my series on healthy sexuality this weekend, I want you to read more about marriage, freedom and the future. I began this series talking about Genesis 2, where God’s original design is presented. The husband and wife would be free and united through their sexual attraction and the tender embrace on the marriage bond. The first two readings give instruction about marriage. As I taught this past weekend, marriage closeness is developed through marriage love and communication. The healthier your marriage, the more you will enjoy the sexual experience. Also I want to prepare you for a message this weekend at the Amphitheater. I have entitled it “Unlocking Your Future.” As I studied the bondage of misdirected sexuality, I am well aware that there are many things in life that trap us. One of the biggest issues in today’s world is fear and worry. I want us to be hopeful and assured that God has the best in mind for our futures. I look forward to experiencing the Outdoor Service together as a church.

Reading #1 Read Ephesians 5:21-33
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. This weekend I am officiating at a wedding and the Scripture reading comes from these verses. It is the longest instruction in the Bible about marriage. Of course, the Song of Songs is all about marriage. But here we read specific instruction for both the husband and the wife. I include verse 21 because it instructs us to be submissive to each other out of reverence for Christ. When a wife respects and looks up to her husband, and a husband is loving as Christ loved us the best things happen. Of course, there are times the husband submits to the wife and there is obviously the need for the wife to love the husband, but I have understood this to mean that when a husband loves his wife deeply, her needs as a woman are met, and when a wife submits to a husband in admiration and respect his needs are met. Marriage is a place to serve each other.

  1. In your view what one quality or ability sustains a marriage relationship? Why are submission and love so important? How would you summarize the responsibilities of a husband and wife toward each other?
  2. Why should unselfishness be an essential part of a Christian marriage? How can you treat your spouse with more respect and love this week?

Reading #2 Read I Peter 3:1-7
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. Again we have similar words about marriage. The words submission, respect and consideration are used as important qualities for the marriage relationship. There is a theme in this section which I would call soft love. The wife is to consistently express a tender and soft love to her husband. The husband is to have a similar softness towards his wife. He is to sensitive to her needs, using courtesy, consideration, wisdom and tact as a loving husband. The marriage relationship is not to be taken for granted. It is to receive our primary concerns. The clearest indication of genuine faith is how a husband or wife love their mate.

  1. What kind of beauty can a woman have? What is the advantage of a woman’s inward beauty? How are your inner qualities as a wife?
  2. What challenge does Peter give husbands? Why should husbands treat their wives with respect? How are you living out these qualities as a husband?

Reading #3 Read John 20:10-18
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. I want you to read about Mary Magdalene. Here is one of the most tender encounters Mary has with Jesus after he is resurrected. We read in Luke 8:2 that Mary was delivered from seven demons. That is a very significant statement. Mary Magdalene is a heartwarming example of thankful living. Her life was miraculously freed by Jesus. In every glimpse we have of her she was acting out her appreciation for the freedom Christ had given her. That freedom allowed her to stand under Christ’s cross when all the disciples except John were hiding in fear. After Jesus’ death, she intended to give his body every respect. Like the rest of Jesus’ followers she never expected his bodily resurrection but she was overjoyed to discover it. Jesus honored her childlike faith by appearing to her first, and by entrusting her with the first message of his resurrection.

  1. Why are you drawn to Mary Magdalene? What qualities do you know about her? What did she do with her newfound freedom in Christ?
  2. What does it mean to you to be set free by Jesus? What does the freedom of Christ give you the freedom to do?

Reading #4 Read Galatians 5:1-15
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. Freedom is a very important principle in Christian living. Free from sin; free to serve; free to be me. This section is bracketed by the freedom that Christ gives and concludes with using your freedom to serve one another in love. As we conclude our series on sexuality, I apply these verses to our subject. We are not given freedom to sin, but freedom to serve. Sexual expression can lead us down the wrong path in a sinful way, or sexual expression can be used to love and serve another as we care for our mate. You are free to be sexually loving to your mate. Use your freedom well.

  1. How does Paul compare freedom and a yoke of slavery? What do those words mean to you? How does he address them in this chapter?
  2. How are the Galatian Christians to use their freedom? If you were really free, in spirit, soul and body, what would that look like in your life?

Reading #5 Read Jeremiah 29:11-14
Reflect on this passage by journaling what the Lord is saying to you. These are marvelous words from the prophet Jeremiah. They are worth memorizing. Sometimes we can have a negative perspective about the future and lose hope. I am sure that the people in exile thought they would never be delivered. But God did not forget his people even though they were struggling in captivity. He planned to give them a new beginning with a new purpose. In times of deep trouble we may think that God has forgotten us, but God may be preparing us for a new beginning. I believe this fall will be a new beginning for us as a church. I have a hopeful sense in my heart given to me by the Holy Spirit. These words apply to you personally as well as to our church.

  1. How do you feel about the future? Why does the future sometimes appear bleak?
  2. Do you believe we live in a negative world? Why or why not? How can you stay optimistic and hopeful as a Christian?

Because of the nature of the Amphitheater event I will not be giving you study notes or a reading schedule. As I look ahead several weeks to the fall season and school starting up again I want to suggest that you read the Book of Acts. There is nothing more exciting that the start of the Early Church. You learn so much about the power of God and reaching people as his witnesses. If you were to read the Book of Acts section by section in the next 40 days, God will help you to be prepared for a fall that will reflect the enthusiasm of the early church. As you read each section, think about what is being said and try to apply it to your life. There are so many significant things recorded in this book that you will not exhaust its truth in 40 days. Let’s prepare ourselves for a special season at Dayspring Fellowship.

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